dear

I had to constantly remind myself that my happiness could never be defined and that it all depends on how I perceive things near me. I am doing my best effort in everything, I always think. But perhaps, in some cases, it might be best to not put any effort at all. Thoughts are scattering inside my head each day, dwelling on the past, bothered by the future, and not living the present. This moment here right now is me trying to put into words all the things that have gone through my mind in the past few days, weeks, months, years, so that at least someone would get the slightest idea of what I want to say and what I’m truly intending to visualize when babbling. This too, sadly, doesn’t make much sense I believe even when you try to.

More often I am put in a situation where I realized that humans’ brain is all the same with their complex threads waiting to be sorted out. I am used to sorting out my threads alone not realizing that this one is too complicated to be done unaccompanied. I would gladly unravel others’, but I feel wobbly having to ask for help from others. Sometimes I just want to be left alone with the emotion inside of me, but for some others, I miss the warmness that comes when I’m around people I fond of.

I will utterly laugh over this thing I’m writing right now tomorrow, forgetting that what I did felt was real at some point in life. I need to stop. Or better yet, maybe I need to stop having the thoughts that I need to stop. Whatever that is, I hope you will never found this pitiful diary I’m writing. Nevermind, let me be honest. I want someone to see this. I want someone to recognize and understand what I’m feeling, although I myself aren’t sure about it either.

내가 가장 듣고싶은 말은 많이 외로웠구나, 생각이 많았구나, 수고 많았어… 대답은 안할거지만.